Author Archives: Paul and Teri

May 18, 2012

Dancing in the Sanctuary

By Paul and Teri

Our son and daughter-in-law have been worship leaders since they were married in 1999, and their vocation routinely involves rehearsals on Wednesday nights. 1 We often have the privilege of hanging out with their kids for part (or all) of these midweek evenings. One recent Wednesday night we had taken the older children, Ella and Zion (ages 6 and 8), to dinner, and were planning a quick drop-off to church where their mom and dad were preparing the band for next Sunday’s service. We were grateful that the night was still young, because we both had several things on our “must do” lists before hitting our pillows by midnight.

The chairs in the sanctuary had been put away for an event the day before, leaving a very large expanse of wide-open, carpeted space. Phoenix, 10 months old, had been with Mommy all afternoon and was now happily exploring what from his vantage point looked like a five-acre field. The band was rockin’ out on the stage, and so Teri picked him up and started whirling around the room. Paul found a mini-Frisbee and started playing catch with Ella and Zion. The praise music provided a joyous accompaniment as we danced and played and ran around that big room, on and on into the evening.

We were on holy ground. The drop-off had turned into an unexpected, wonderful, serendipitous, shimmering moment with those precious children. When would we next have an opportunity to play with our three grandkids in an unobstructed huge space like this — and with a live worship band to boot?

No one appreciates the wonderful possibility of the present – this moment, right now — like a protected, well-loved child. Anyplace, including the church sanctuary, can become a playground; joy might be found suddenly just around the next corner. The expectation of imminent pleasure is the operating belief of innocence. Children raised in love and safety have a great capacity for appreciating what goodness can be found in this all too sad world. For busy adults, the opportunities to drink from that well usually show up when we least expect them, and are so easily lost as we push our way through the daily stuff.

There have been a number of times when we have had a pile of urgent whatevers on our desks, but chose to seize a moment that involved time with people we love. Without exception, we can recall vividly the backyard ball game, the spontaneous Uno tournament, the shared sunset – or in this case, dancing in the sanctuary – long after we had forgotten the urgent whatevers.

Whenever we speak about marriage we usually mention the threat of the marginless, hurried lifestyle – something we know way too much about. One antidote we often propose is subjecting any potential new commitment to the “end of life” test: When I’m on my deathbed, will I care about all of those commitments/diplomas/achievements/piles of stuff that filled my days and nights, or my relationships with people – especially those who were closest to me? We have no idea what was on our list of tasks that just had to get done that Wednesday night, but we will never forget the sparkle in our grandkids’ eyes, and the peals of laughter, that arose from that spontaneous experience.

Teri was raised with the belief that dancing was a tool of the devil. That night, it was a direct glimpse into heaven.

P.S. We are going to be featured on two Focus on the Family Broadcasts, in a conversation entitled “Navigating Tears, Tantrums and Toddlers.” These will air on Friday May 18 and Monday May 21, and may be heard online at any time on or after those dates by clicking here.

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2012.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

1 For the record, we can state without reservation that they are very good at what they do.

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July 29, 2011

News from Uganda

By Paul and Teri

On June 27 we returned safe and sound from our fourth trip to Uganda.  Now that we’ve finally aligned our sleep cycles to Pacific Daylight Time, we’d like to offer the following report:

We returned to Kaihura, the small trading center in western Uganda that has yet to make it on the map, but which now has not only electricity but also some actual running water taps around town.  It is literally a wide spot in the highway that connects Kampala, the teeming and dusty capital, with Fort Portal (aka Fort Pothole), the nearest city of any consequence.   On our first venture in 2008, Paul spent several days at the HopeAgain Medical Clinic, receiving an intense introduction to the health issues that challenge virtually every village in sub-Saharan Africa:  malaria, typhoid, and (most ominously) HIV/AIDS, which has decimated the population and left 14 million orphans in its wake.  (Uganda alone has more than one million of them.)  Later in 2008 the HopeAgain Clinic moved from a haggard roadside building to a newer, more flexible setting across the highway, while its staff dreamed of building a center that would better serve the surrounding population of 35,000.

That dream is now coming to pass, brick by brick.  Last year the site of the new clinic was graded and a foundation laid, and this year walls and a roof now define what is an impressive structure for this area.   Much remains to be done before the clinic can become operational, but in the meantime the HopeAgain staff supplies 1,500 HIV-positive people every month with life-preserving maintenance antibiotics, and serves as the dispensary for anti-retroviral drugs for 200 people who have full-blown AIDS.1 And that’s but one facet of the ongoing, unbelievably difficult medical challenges that these brave and caring workers deal with every day.

After our 2008 visit, we felt compelled to do some work on one of the primary roots of the HIV epidemic:  unstable marriages and families.  During each subsequent visit we have spent quite a bit of time learning about the complex blend of cultural and practical issues, not to mention some common but counterproductive attitudes (primarily held by men), that have contributed to widespread social chaos.  Needless to say, while we feel comfortable teaching marriage and parenting principles to anyone who will listen in the U.S., we initially approached this task in Uganda with some trepidation.  Would anyone listen to, let alone apply, what we might say about building healthy families?

We are both pleased and humbled to report that we have had an enthusiastic reception to our marriage conferences — what we like to call “Marriage Improv,” because we make a lot of adjustments on the fly to accommodate each audience.  This year we did 3 conferences, speaking to 400-500 people and taking our teaching a step beyond what we have done in previous years.  We have come to understand that the vast majority of couples in Uganda who consider themselves husband and wife are in fact not legally married.  There are a variety of reasons for this, but the net effect is a destabilizing effect on families.  (One of the many types of fallout: If either person feels dissatisfied with the other, there is less resistance to seeking solace elsewhere, often with disastrous results. Long-term relationships are now recognized as a major setting for the transmission of HIV in Africa.)  With the encouragement and support of local pastors and government officials, at the end of each teaching day we encouraged cohabiting couples to commit to making their relationship legal, public, exclusive and permanent.  Overall some 68 couples came forward to “take the pledge,” so to speak.  Some of the local churches are planning to host weddings for multiple couples, to reduce costs and assist with other logistics.

By the end of our time in Kaihura we were told that we had created a new problem:   Several pastors from other areas who had attended the conferences had asked if we could come to their villages to give the same message.  Now that we’re home, we’ve been pondering how we might multiply what we do, since visiting one village at a time would require years to work our way through even one district.  Stay tuned for further developments…

We were not alone on this trip, but rather part of a team of ten from the U.S., and the other members were engaged in a host of worthwhile activities.  Earlier we mentioned the HopeAgain clinic, and it is but one project of Bringing Hope to the Family, the local NGO/ministry with which we partner.  Bringing Hope also cares for more than 70 orphans, provides vocational training for adolescents and helps families in the community develop sustainable incomes.  (See www.bringinghope.org for more info and photos.) Working with Bringing Hope staff, our team members:

  • Converted a ramshackle office and dirt courtyard — ironically, the original clinic space in which Paul had labored in 2008 — into a pleasant and comforting space that now serves as a hair salon.  This will provide a number of affordable services for those who would otherwise travel several miles for them, and also serve as an income source for Bringing Hope.
  • Assisted with medical and dental patients.

  • Taught hundreds of rural pastors
  • Pinch-hit in the classroom for a couple of elementary school teachers who were ill.
  • Mentored groups of adolescents who crave attention and encouragement from adult role-models.
  • Organized a group of young men into a volleyball team, the Kaihura Kings, which played an exuberant and good-natured match with a team from a neighboring village.
  • Provided dozens of new dresses and shorts for the children who live at HomeAgain, Bringing Hope’s home for orphans.
  • Distributed mosquito nets to poor families in neighboring villages.

We were grateful that all of these good works (and many more that can’t be listed, including a lot of time spent holding orphan kids) took place without any illness or injury of any consequence.  More than that, we are grateful for the generosity and prayers of so many who supported our efforts this year.  Their participation was a great blessing for us, and for everyone on the team.

We dedicate this post to them, with much love and appreciation,

Paul and Teri

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2011.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

1. We were told that the cost of supplying all 1,500 patients with the antibiotics they need is about $100 per month, and there are times when the clinic is unable to keep up financially with this expense.  We’re hoping to find a couple of donors who might be willing to help sustain this particular function of the clinic.

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December 10, 2010

Families in the Holiday Blender

By Paul and Teri

More than 40 percent of all marriages are actually remarriages for one or both parties, and approximately one in three Americans is a step-something — a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling.  If you are in a marriage that includes one or more children from a previous union, you have no doubt realized that creating a new civilization under these circumstances is anything but a “Brady Bunch” walk in the park.

It is sad but true that conflict surrounding kids is the most common reason that blended families don’t blend. The set-up for this turbulence isn’t terribly mysterious. Divorce is rough on everyone involved, but especially for children (of any age) who experience the dismantling of everything that was predictable and secure in their world.  From the child’s point of view, Mom or Dad’s decision to remarry nearly always represents a collection of major losses:

  • After a divorce an eldest or only child often assumes the role of a surrogate partner.  A new stepparent not only bumps the son or daughter back to child status but also assumes the “numero uno” position in the parent’s affections.
  • Most kids (especially the younger ones) hold on to a fantasy, conscious or otherwise, that Mom and Dad are miraculously going to mend their differences and remarry.
  • Even if the child is not harboring a secret longing to see her parents get back together, the prospect of Mom or Dad having a new partner can put a child in a terrific bind:  Does friendliness with Mom’s new husband constitute disloyalty to the biological dad?
  • The new civilization that is created by merging two existing families often results in loss of status and privileges for the children involved.
  • Because most parents feel guilty watching their kids suffer through a divorce, a newly single parent often relaxes the disciplinary reins with a child in an effort (conscious or otherwise) to compensate for all the pain and tough adjustments.  When a new partner becomes vocally critical of the perceived leniency, friction can develop, and the confused child may now be subjected to a shifting line of tolerance, depending on which parent is “winning.”
  • For most children who are living in a remarriage household, the new situation represents the third time they have had to adjust to new rules based on multiple (and rarely consistent) sets of adult authority:  The original marriage, the single parent(s), and now the parent and his/her new spouse.

During November and December, the opportunities for complications and conflict in blended families can become particularly numerous and acute. Indeed, the Christmas season seems to amplify the prevailing emotional weather in an individual or a family. If things are functioning relatively smoothly, December can truly be “the most wonderful time of the year,” as the musical chestnut goes.  But for many families this can be a very frustrating or even painful season.

While we cannot possibly address the length and breadth of blended family concerns in a single post, we would like to propose ten ideas that can help “make the season bright,” or at lighten things up a bit.  (Those of you who aren’t in blended families can read along.)

Tips for the holidays in blended families:

  1. Don’t waste time being resentful that the custody arrangement is going to mean you lose some time with your kids during the holidays.  Your child(ren) will pick up on your grief and it will make it harder for them to adjust to the new routine.
  2. All parents need to agree, as far in advance as possible, on an equitable game plan for who goes where and when for the holidays.  This needs to be clearly explained to the kids well ahead of the holiday period.  To avoid any misunderstandings, agree on the exact timing of the “hand-off.”  Missing by even one hour can lead to hard feelings on Christmas day.  Don’t assume anything; all parents need to be very clear about the plan.
  3. A Christmas that involves too many stops is not a fun day.  If your “ex” isn’t willing to budge on when he/she wants the kids, you might want to consider moving your “big day” to the day before or even the day after the official holiday.  It is more desirable to have a wonderful, low-stress day than to have it exactly on the “correct” day. Christmas can be whatever day you decide to make it.
  4. If your kids are going to a household that is fairly new to them this year, make sure you take along plenty of books, games and activities that are familiar to them.
  5. Since your Christmas probably isn’t going to look like a Norman Rockwell painting, do yourself a favor: let go of that any rigid expectations.  Sometimes your desire to have a “perfect” Christmas with the new family is more about your need to believe it’s all going to be okay, rather than what’s really best for all involved.  Make a conscious decision to relieve yourself of the pressure to produce a “perfect” day.
  6. As with so many other situations, “the way we’ve always done it” may not happen.  Everyone in the blended family should sit down together and brainstorm new traditions that will be established in the newly-created civilization.  Ask each member of the new family, “What is one thing that you think is important that we incorporate into our new traditions?”
  7. If there are children 10-ish and younger in the new family, try to think of an activity in which all of the kids can create something new to add to the holiday décor.  For instance, make a wreath from leaves and branches collected on a family walk.  Or create a small table-top decoration that incorporates pictures of everyone in the new family.
  8. It might be nice for the step-parent to take the step-child(ren) out to shop for the other members of the family.  Likewise, it is especially important for the biological parent to set aside individual time with his/her child(ren).  Remember that this can be a time of great loss for children who are still remembering past Christmases through a sentimental filter.
  9. Overspending for the kids is a common mistake in blended families.  Parents who feel guilty that one or more of their children has had to endure the pain of divorce generally tend to “make it up” to their kids with material gifts.  Don’t fall into this trap.  This can be especially difficult if your “ex” has a lot of money and is planning on winning the “Wow, look at what my Dad/Mom bought me” award.
  10. If you are in the first five years of a new marriage and there are still children in the home, clear your calendar to ensure that there is a lot of margin for you to be available for your kids!

Above all, be aware that it may take several years for the new blended family to establish new holiday traditions that feel like “my family” again.  Do not ever scold or reject the child who is having difficulty with the new holiday routine.  While demanding respectful behavior — that is always a given — give the child(ren) a little space in which to adapt.

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

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May 29, 2010

Birth Order, Part 2, and a Note About Memorial Day

By Paul and Teri

As we promised last week, here’s the next installment in our observations about birth order and its impact on life and marriage.

And this week’s post was fun to write because we are both quintessential “middle-born” children. (Well, Teri was smack in the middle of five kids and, while Paul was the younger of two, his functional role in the family was that of the prototypical middle child.)

Middle-born children are the “lost” children. They have neither the privileges of the first-born nor the adoration reserved for the baby, so they tend to have more difficulty identifying their role in the family. When Mom encounters an acquaintance at the mall, the introductions may sound like: “This is Michael, our eldest — isn’t he a strapping young man? And this is our youngest, little Chloe — have you ever seen a cuter baby? And this is, um…Jake. Say, have you checked the sale at Macy’s…?” Middle-born children are the recipients of all the hand-me-down clothing and toys (and later on perhaps an older sibling’s hand-me-down car as well). Statistically, they are the least likely of all the siblings to finish college.

They can grow up feeling unimportant in the family matrix. The eldest-born (especially if a female) is often in an alliance with Mom to help parent the brood, and will hold more sway over the baby than she will over a middle sibling. So Mom, the eldest and the baby have clearly defined relationships, whereas the middle-born is less sure of her status. However, the good news for the middle-born is that shifting alliances uniquely position her to play various roles within the family structure. Sometimes, for example, she can talk her way into some “lady dress up” activities with an older sister, while on other occasions she may decide to horse around with a younger brother.

Later in life her experience at role-shifting may enable her to identify with a range of personality types. Middle-children often excel at careers that involve diplomacy and negotiating. They are often the peacemakers in their family of origin and tend to continue that role long after the sibling group has entered adulthood. If married to another middle child, the two will probably create a literal peaceable kingdom, one that may in fact be too calm: Avoiding conflict at all cost may cause two peacemakers to sidestep ongoing issues that need to be addressed and resolved.

The middle-born can be undemanding — sometimes to his own detriment, in that he may not be able to contend for his own feelings and opinions. If married to someone with a more dominant personality, a middle-born’s desire for “peace at any price” may unwittingly enable the spouse to persist in unhealthy, and unchallenged, controlling behavior.

Only children are an interesting blend of the characteristics typically found in eldest and youngest-born. They are overachievers and pampered. They can become perfectionists and yet remain childlike. They are the object of all parental focus, with no subsequent siblings to claim a share of Mom and Dad’s attention. With fewer opportunities to interact with other children, only children tend to be less playful with peers and more comfortable in adult company (i.e., they can act like “miniature adults”). Because negotiation skills are learned from years of having to bargain with siblings — You two work it out or neither one of you is going to play with that toy! – the only child may be short on important give-and-take skills that are needed to make appropriate compromises and live harmoniously with another human being. Making an apology may seem like pulling teeth if they haven’t been forced to say “I’m sorry” a thousand times to siblings. Like youngest born children, they haven’t been required to help in the care of little brothers and sisters, and often are uncomfortable assuming the role of parent. They may be determined to have a large family, but will probably be unprepared to manage the nuts and bolts of rearing several kids. They may have a more difficult time breaking away from their parents, feeling the full brunt of responsibility for their welfare.

So why does any of this matter? Because whatever “roles” we played in the dynamic of our original family make a big contribution to the way we relate to others in adulthood. If you were a typical first-born, you probably went into marriage assuming you would be the one in charge. If you were a youngest-born, you may have entered marriage assuming you would be cared for. If you were an only-born, you may have struggled with resolving conflict with your spouse. And if you were middle-born like us, you may shy away from conflict. We have often joked that wish we had allowed ourselves to have more disagreements earlier in our marriage. But both of us valued a peaceful marital landscape so much that we avoided uncomfortable issues that might lead to disharmony in the home.

How about you? How have the roles you played in your original family affected your marriage? We’d love to hear from you!

A Postscript for Memorial Day (by Paul)

When I was growing up I welcomed Memorial Day as a day off of school that also heralded three glorious months of summer vacation just around the corner. As an adult, for many years Memorial Day provided a 3-day weekend to rehab the yard, where we live during the summer. It also signaled the kickoff of the summer blockbuster movie season.

Over the last decade I’ve focused a lot more on the actual intent of the day: to remember those who paved the way, who sacrificed and died so that I might grow up and raise a family in a free and stable society. (“Saving Private Ryan” made a huge impact on this aspect of my observance of Memorial Day.) But I have also spent more time recently to pause and honor loved ones and friends who have passed on. Both of my parents died since 2000, as did Teri’s mom. A favorite uncle passed away a little over a year ago. Our wonderful friends, Joe and Karen Johnson, lost their son Joey in 2008, just before Memorial Day.

Last weekend Teri and I heard the best choir concert of all time (for me, anyway), given by the Los Angeles Master Chorale. The theme was “Americana,” and it featured early American hymns, folk songs and spirituals, performed with breathtaking finesse. Many of the earliest American hymns dealt squarely with losses that were all too common when life expectancy was short, and thus they focused on hopes for a “heavenly home.” A trio of songs with this theme was presented early in the concert, in extraordinary arrangements by a tenor in the choir named Shawn Kirchner. As I listened, and thought about how much my mom and dad would have enjoyed what we were hearing, I just about came unglued with emotion. One song in particular, “Angel Band,” was achingly beautiful, and in honor of Memorial Day I leave its lyrics with you:

Angel Band

Jefferson Hascall, published 1860

My latest sun is sinking fast,
My race is nearly run;
My strongest trials now are past,
My triumph is begun.

Refrain:
Oh, come, angel band,
Come and around me stand;
Oh, bear me away on your snowy wings
To my eternal home;
Oh, bear me away on your snowy wings
To my eternal home.

I know I’m near the holy ranks
Of friends and kindred dear—
I hear the waves on Jordan’s banks,
The crossing must be near.

I’ve almost reached my heav’nly home,
My spirit loudly sings;
Thy holy ones, behold, they come!
I hear the noise of wings.

Oh, bear my longing heart to Him,
Who bled and died for me;
Whose blood now cleanses from all sin,
And gives me victory.

Oh, come, angel band,
Come and around me stand;
Oh, bear me away on your snowy wings
To my eternal home;
Oh, bear me away on your snowy wings
To my eternal home.

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

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May 22, 2010

More Family of Origin Stuff: Birth Order, Part 1

By Paul and Teri

A few weeks ago we talked about how family of origin stuff – the way you were raised, the role you played, and the values that were modeled in the family in which you grew up — can profoundly affect how you function as an adult. (See our April 30, 2010 post, which talked about the long reach of parental approval.)  One big piece of this — the role you played in your family — is strongly influenced by your birth order position:  whether you were a first-born, last-born, middle or only child.

The following is the first part of a very general description of how birth order can contribute not only to the formation of personality but also to the way you relate to your marriage partner as you navigate through the events of your life together.  We offer these with the caveat that there are many circumstances (too many to include here) that would explain why you might not fit a predicted outcome.  Whether the following applies to you or not, it is definitely profitable to ask, “Does this describe me or my spouse?  Why or why not?”

First-born children are the focus of unpracticed but frantic parental attention.  Every burp, squawk, poop, coo, drool and twitch of the first child are closely scrutinized by the anxious new parents, who may relate them in excruciating detail to the baby’s amused (or exasperated) physician.  Often developmental milestones – that is, the first time little Buford turns over, says “Mama,” starts propelling himself across the floor, and so on – become critical benchmarks that Mom and Dad use to determine not only whether he is on schedule, but whether (or not) they are competent parents.  As a result of this nervous oversight – and, indeed, as an ironic reflection of it — first-borns are often far more sensitive to their parents’ moods, approval or disapproval than subsequent siblings.

Sooner or later, Buford’s limelight is dimmed by the birth of little Festus.[1] The firstborn is usually expected to become a helper to Mom (even more so if the eldest is a daughter), and may be given more responsibility than is appropriate for his or her age.  In addition, firstborns are highly motivated to reassert a position of power, and quickly learn how to exert control over younger siblings.  The responsibility they assume as youngsters usually makes them wholly unafraid to take charge as adults, and thus they tend to evolve into “type A” personalities who are competitive leaders in sports, academia and industry.  As marriage partners first-borns tend to be controlling, and so “Who’s in charge here?” may become a very big question soon after two first-borns say, “I do.”  As a parent, a first-born is more likely to gravitate toward the strict side when it comes to rearing children, since he or she probably spent a fair amount of time holding the reins on younger siblings.

Of all the grown siblings, firstborns tend to stay most connected with Mom and Dad, and feel the greatest burden of responsibility to care for them as they age.  Their ongoing sensitivity to their parent(s) may be a holdover from earliest childhood, when they became highly attuned to parental attention and angst.  Or it may be motivated by an elusive lifelong pursuit to gain – finally – some parental approval, if it was in short supply during bygone decades.  This same need for approval can cause first-borns to be intolerant of a spouse’s perceived disapproval.

Some studies have indicated that unions consisting of first-born males and later-born females are most likely to report marital satisfaction.  In Teri’s experience, this is true — until the wife hits the season in life (at around age 40 to 50) where her self-confidence blooms, at which time she may decide to change the ground rules, much to the bewilderment of her husband.

Youngest-born children will always be “the baby” of the family and treated accordingly, whether they are two or fifty-two.  They are pampered longer than they should because no younger sibling comes along to claim the “cute baby” award.  There are lots of “bigger” people from whom to receive adoration — all except the one who was recently replaced, of course.  They are not given the same measure of responsibility that their older siblings shouldered at the same age.  They are usually disciplined less strictly by parents who (1) are exhausted by this stage, (2) have much less to “prove” to themselves (or anyone else), and (3) are generally far less vigilant of the last-born’s behavior.

As youngest-borns emerge into adulthood, they are apt to be much more lax about everything from work to household duties to social appointments.  Less was expected of them growing up, and they generally lack a competitive edge.  Having been coddled by the rest of the family, they may be more dependent on others to make life work, lacking the self-confidence that would have come from figuring more things out on their own.  On the other hand, youngest-borns are far more inclined than their older counterparts to pause and smell life’s proverbial flowers. They often succeed as artists and actors, not only because a lack of “drivenness” may allow them to indulge the senses and to revel in creativity, but also because they may be less frantic about winning the approval of others.  (Why should they be?  They always had unconditional adoration as the baby of the family).  Their willingness to play may prove intoxicating to hard-driving first-borns of the opposite sex.  As parents they are more likely to enjoy playing with their kids and to be more “laissez-faire” in their child-rearing, which can drive a disciplinarian spouse crazy.

If you have been following the new series “Parenthood” on NBC this year, you have seen a well-crafted portrayal of some of these birth-order dynamics.   Adam, the first of four adult children in the close-knit Braverman family, owns his own company and has assumed the role of the “fixer,” the one to whom everyone seems to come for advice and counsel.   This has been anything but easy as he has assumed the weight of responsibility for managing his son’s autism-related behavior, his daughter’s stormy teen romance, his wife’s budding interest in a new career, his parents’ marital crisis, and much more.  The youngest-born, Crosby Braverman, has been a free-spirit who is just now figuring out how to act like an adult as he assumes a parental role for a five year-old son he never knew existed until a few months ago.

If you haven’t watched this series yet, reruns will begin shortly.  (A few episodes are posted online, but the series makes more sense if watched in order from the first episode.)  “Parenthood” is extraordinarily well-written and acted, definitely for mature audiences, and not necessarily a model for ideal decision-making.  But many of its issues and conversations are incredibly insightful, and can provide some fruitful topics for conversation.

Next week:  Thoughts on middle and only children.

- Paul and Teri

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

[1] The names Buford and Festus in this illustration are a tribute to psychologist and author Kevin Leman, who playfully uses these monikers in his talks about kids and parents.  Dr. Leman has also written a classic book on the subject of birth order, appropriately enough called The Birth Order Book:  Why You Are the Way You Are (Revell, 2004).

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May 14, 2010

When Grown Kids Move Back Home

By Paul and Teri

In early 2007, our son and daughter-in-law approached us with a request.  In order to accomplish a career goal, they asked to live with us for a year while renting out their condo.  Their young children are the very dessert of our lives, so the thought of having all four of them move in with us sounded delightful.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well, okay, maybe we did have some misgivings.  After all, Teri’s mom had just moved out after living with us for more than two years, and we’d been looking forward to running around in our own home again in various states of undress.  But we’re definitely into our kids, and are usually willing to do anything to help out.

A November 2009 Pew Research Center survey found that 13% of parents with grown children said one of their adult sons or daughters had moved back home in the past year.  Wowzers!  That’s a lot of potential for some interesting conflicts!

We’re happy to report that the younger Reissers were able to move back into their home last summer, and we all survived with relatively few skirmishes.  It was definitely a learning curve for all four adults, and we’d like to offer the following advice for those who find themselves in this situation.

  1. Hammer out the contract ahead of time: Before the move, sit down and have a long discussion about expectations, assumptions, division of household chores, privacy, etc.  Set a time limit on how long he/she/they will be living with you.  If there are young children involved, who’s in charge? (If one of the grandchildren is in the thick of a teachable moment with Mom or Dad, guess who shouldn’t butt in?) Will meals be shared?  If so, who’s doing the cooking?  If the reason for coming home is to get out of debt, how will you know that is being accomplished?  Who controls what gets recorded on the DVR?  Is it okay to use my stapler?  Which groceries are whose? You get the idea.
  2. Regular family meetings: Initially, you should meet religiously once a week to ask each other what’s working and what isn’t.  Do not be lulled into complacency because you experience what seems to be a trouble-free week or two.  If there’s nothing to be ironed out, think out loud about what might become a problem.
  3. Change how you see your adult child(ren): If they have lived away from home, they are no longer a part of your civilization.  Whether single or coming home with a spouse and/or kids, your grown kid has been creating a whole new civilization.  Things will not go well if you fall into the (all too easy) trap of thinking that it’s 1994 again, and that you need to resume your parental mode.  Trust us on this one.
  4. Privacy: Your grown child is not being reabsorbed into your civilization.  You will now have two separate nations trying to peacefully coexist.  This involves an enormous amount of respect for each other’s boundaries.  As much as possible, create private space for him/her/them. (No, you can’t keep your gift-wrapping paper in that closet — you have to clear out the whole thing).  And for pete’s sake, do we have to actually tell you to knock on their door and wait for permission to enter?

So the “Grand Experiment” worked.  We don’t know which couple was more eager when it came time to move out.  But we sure miss the shouts and giggles of our grandchildren every day of the week, and treasure every Friday night when they come to have a sleepover at Papa and Grammy’s house.

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

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April 9, 2010

For Newlyweds and Almost-weds: Building Your Civilization

By Paul and Teri

For Newlyweds and Almost-weds: Building Your Civilization (Others: Please listen in)

I (Teri) have recently logged three sessions with a couple who desperately sought out a professional referee counselor after only three years of marriage.  It didn’t take long to assess the problem.  Although they had experienced the appropriate “fireworks” during their year of dating, they absolutely missed the hurdle we like to call “building your new civilization” in the crucial first year of their marriage.  In the soft filter of loving feelings so freely exchanged during dating (“Everything about you is absolutely perfect!”), couples are often not prepared for the incredible amount of work required to meld two individuals — sovereign states, if you will, that each contain one citizen — into a brand new, unique civilization:  The United State of You and You.

How is this civilization built?  One brick at a time, during hundreds of conversations.   Inevitably you will need to address a gazillion issues ranging from the trivial to (potentially) titanic, and along the way arrive at a number of compromises, some of which will be a lot easier to forge than others.   Agreeing that the toilet paper should unspool toward the throne rather than the wall shouldn’t be too hard, but what about your plans for Thanksgiving dinner?   If the two (or however many) families can’t all converge on that day, you may have to agree that Thanksgiving will be spent with her family this year and with his next year.  But our family is always together for Thanksgiving! Actually, your family is now you – husband, wife, and your own children – and you’ll have to arrive at whatever solutions (including perhaps some new traditions) that you can agree upon.

Ideally, the schedule of the first year (or more) of a marriage should be insanely protected in order for those civilization-building conversations to take place. It is absolutely critical to keep your calendar as empty as possible during the first year of marriage.  To the best of your ability, you need to keep distractions to a minimum.  Don’t volunteer for any new activities (and consider suspending some ongoing ones).  Don’t get a dog.  Don’t make many social engagements.  Keep your living arrangements simple.  Unplug your TV.  Don’t let some needy friend or relative move in with you, or even be a guest for more than a very few days.  Don’t go out of town to be with the folks for the holidays.  Parents and other family members need to hear a loving, respectful but clear message that you intend to form your own traditions, and that you are not just an extension of either original family.

We have some dear friends, Dan and Jamie Collins, who rented a cabin and disappeared for the first six months of their marriage.  They talked and talked, read a lot of books, talked some more.  As a result they became very well acquainted with each other’s thoughts on just about everything.  More than three decades later they have an incredibly solid and pleasant marriage – and are strong advocates for a non-distracted first year of matrimony.

Yours truly and yours truly (the authors of this blog) had a somewhat different first year of marriage.  Our wedding took place less than 24 hours after Paul’s medical school graduation ceremony.  Two weeks after the honeymoon he plunged into the intense schedule of a family practice resident, while Teri was working part-time and enrolling in classes to finish her bachelor’s degree (strike one).  We accommodated ourselves happily around the life and schedule of Paul’s wonderful parents (strike two), and we were unexpectedly pregnant by month five of the marriage (strike three).  So, yeah, life happens and we don’t always get to do it the ideal way, and a price was paid later on because there was so little time to be intentional about the formation of our brand new civilization.

We know, we know… Not many have the wherewithal to spend the first few months of married life in a mountain cabin.  We get it that rent has to be paid, families placated, and careers launched.  We understand that many marriages are in fact remarriages, and that these often involve children who cannot be conveniently set aside while Mom/Stepmom and Dad/Stepdad work through a whole new set of civilization issues.  We would just urge you to do the best you can, given your particular circumstances, to eliminate what is not absolutely essential in that precious first year of marriage. This will increase the likelihood that you not only can learn to negotiate differences of opinion in a straightforward manner (thus avoiding years of inflicting wounds that build layer upon layer of bitterness), but also can cultivate a habit of spending time face-to-face discussing issues as part of a normal weekly routine.

A note for those of you who are long past newlywed-hood, or who aren’t married at all:  Do what you can to encourage any just-marrieds in your life to limit their commitments and protect their schedules for that all-important first year.

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

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April 2, 2010

The Thing About Sex (For Wives)

By Paul and Teri

The following is an excerpt from our book Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

We gave husbands some food for thought – not all of which may have been easy to chew and swallow – in our last post, “The Thing About Sex (For Husbands).”  Wives, it’s now your turn to hear some news flashes on this subject.  This is important stuff, and if your husband is looking over your shoulder he is probably praying that you’ll take heed.

1.  If your sex drive has taken up residence on the far side of the moon, it’s more distressing to him than you probably realize. For most wives, libido is drastically reduced during the childbearing years. What most wives don’t understand is the effect this disappearing act has on their husbands. For wives, the loss of a sex drive is an irritating mystery. For husbands, it is a profound loss that is quietly (or openly) grieved. A powerful bond develops during the intense sexual passion that usually characterizes the early stages of a marital relationship.1 Being the object of a young wife’s sexual fervor is deeply satisfying on so many levels that a man will remember and replay those experiences in his mind for the rest of his life. Needless to say, he will long for it and mourn its apparent passing.

If a couple has had any kind of coaching or counseling about physical and emotional developments in marriage, a husband may have an intellectual understanding that his wife’s diminished sex drive is not a negative assessment of how she feels about him as a man. But there is an intense grief for the loss of this precious aspect of the early relationship. Because the wife does not feel the same level of grief, it is normal to marginalize the husband’s sense of loss and to begin believing that he is only slavishly addicted to sex itself. So the important news flash for wives is this: Rather than discount something because you don’t understand it, we ask that you accept the reality of your husband’s feelings about this subject, just as we have asked your husband to accept some things about you that don’t necessarily make sense to him. We do understand that you cannot willfully produce a sex drive, but you can take your husband’s feelings about this a lot more seriously. While you may not have a volume control for your libido, you do have the power to choose to become more intentional about sexual generosity.

2.  Men are strongly visually oriented. When the image of an attractive woman—whether in person, on a page, or on a screen—arrives at the male retina and transmits to his brain, there is immediate interest and potential arousal, even when he is strongly committed to sexual morality and loyalty to his spouse. This immediate interest has nothing to do with the woman’s identity, intelligence, personality, accomplishments, or moral character. It is literally hardwired into the male brain, and attempts to prevent it from occurring when the female stimulus is present are futile. Quit punishing your husband for having a ka-ching! moment when a gorgeous woman walks through his field of vision. He is not being disrespectful to you just because he has this initial reaction. He is, however, being disrespectful if he chooses to linger on the vision for more than three seconds!

A man’s libido not only remains active and relatively constant throughout his adult life, but it also typically is ready and willing to initiate sex at a moment’s notice. A not-so-old adage says that in sexual matters men tend to be like microwaves—heating up fast and sounding off in a few minutes when they’re done—while women are more like Crock-Pots, offering a delicious payoff after some careful preparation and a day of simmering. A couple may have had a difficult week, a long and tiring day, and little communication (or even an ongoing argument) through the evening. For the wife, nothing in the last 72 hours has remotely inspired any interest in sex. But before bedtime her husband sees her walk by in a clingy nightgown, and he’s ready for sex right now, regardless of what has happened over the past several hours. Unlike most women, men generally do not need a period of feeling loved and cared for before they want to engage in sex. In fact, a man may crave sex even in the midst of conflict or during an emotional dry spell, because he assumes—not necessarily correctly—that if his wife is willing to have sex, it must mean that hostilities are ending.

3.  Believe it or not, men don’t “just want sex.” Men desire love and connectedness as much as women. Many wives have a difficult time grasping the fact that a husband hears “I love you” when his partner is sexually responsive. A wife may honestly feel that she is saying “I love you” in countless other ways—bearing and mothering his children, for example—and may be perplexed and frustrated that these seem to pale in comparison with the importance of sex on a frequent basis. Because spirited sex is perceived as a declaration of love, a man may feel rejected (or even punished) when his wife displays a lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom and a seemingly endless list of excuses why sex must be put off . . . again.

4.  Sexual generosity. We are fierce advocates for women not participating in sex when they are the object of ongoing disrespect or outright abuse from a spouse who in so doing repeatedly violates his wedding vows. On the other hand, we strongly encourage a woman to put a great deal of intentional effort into creating a generous and participatory role in sex when she can honestly say that her husband is doing his best to reciprocate and respectfully love her in a way that is meaningful to her. Wives, you may think that all you have to do is show up once in a while and be the receiver, but every so often it is really important to initiate a sexual rendezvous with your husband. Teri consistently hears from husbands how powerfully they would hear “I love you!” if their wives would just occasionally surprise them with an invitation, direct the encounter, and try something new. (In many ways this sends the same kind of powerful message to a man that an unexpected bouquet of flowers sends to his wife.)

5.  Get your flirt back on! Again, we want to stress that we are not talking about becoming a Stepford wife,2 blindly catering to a spouse who has no regard for your needs, opinions and feelings. Nor are we talking about a wife trying to use her sexuality as a way to placate or manage her husband. With that important caveat said, you don’t have to always wait for him to initiate a positive cycle. Think back about all the many ways you happily and naturally instigated playfulness during the dating phase—goofy little notes, playing footsy during a movie, offering to get him a snack, etc. Remember how much care you put into your appearance when you were trying to impress him?

It is the responsibility of the husband to love, honor, and cherish his wife, regardless of the impact that years of living, childbearing, and other forms of wear and tear have had on her physical appearance. Period. It doesn’t hurt, however, when wives do what they can to make themselves more physically attractive. It is one of many expressions of love for the other person and one of many responses to feeling respected and cared for. If you care about your home, you spend time and energy on its upkeep. You do this because you want to create a place that is inviting and pleasant, where relationships grow and memories are made. We would urge you to make the same effort concerning your body and physical appearance. We think you will be pleasantly surprised at the return on your investment. Author and radio counselor Dr. Laura Schlessinger has addressed the subject of “get your marital flirt on”—and treating your husband with all-around respect—in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.3

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010; ©Focus on the Family, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

1. Needless to say, if there has been an absence of physical fervor since day one of the marriage, an entirely different set of issues needs attention.

2. Based on the 1972 novel by Ira Levin and two film adaptations, the label “Stepford wife” refers to a woman who plays a role of cheerful, mindless, and literally robotic submission to her husband’s every whim.
3. This recommendation is made with the caveat that Dr. Schlessinger’s book does not address the other side of the equation — —how husbands should treat their wives — —but it is an excellent description of the kind of behavior that husbands crave from their wives.

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March 26, 2010

The Thing About Sex (For Husbands)

By Paul and Teri

The following is an excerpt from our book Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

All too often men and women are relatively clueless about sexuality of the opposite sex in general and their own mate in particular. Men, who usually have a consistent and persistent interest in sex throughout adulthood, are particularly unlikely to understand the changes that their wives are experiencing in this department as the years pass. And so, gentlemen, we’ll start by giving you a few important news flashes about the themes and variations in sexuality that your mate is likely to experience over the years of your marriage, as well as some practical implications.

1.  There are seasons to a woman’s libido. Generally speaking, a woman experiences a high level of libido when she is in the courtship phase of life and when she wants to make a baby. She may also feel a little frisky during the fertile time of her monthly cycle. Other than that, she is far more likely to experience a sexual response than an actual sex drive. And much to the consternation of her husband, the ingredients that ignite or extinguish her sexual response on any given day may involve a complex and ever-changing recipe. One of our favorite illustrations of this state of affairs is a photo of the cockpit of a space shuttle, with its vast array of controls and readouts. This, we point out, represents a woman’s sexuality. Then comes a photo representing male sexuality: a light switch on a wall, in the “on” position.

2.  Become a perpetual student of your wife’s interests and delights. Needless to say, these encompass much more than a candlelight dinner and receiving flowers on special occasions, though such gestures certainly don’t hurt any.1 In what situations is she happiest? What does she enjoy doing, reading, seeing, and hearing? Where does she like to go? What does she dream of doing? If you know these things, you can make wise decisions about gifts, vacations, date nights, and your overall priorities as a couple and family. In so doing you cause her to feel loved and cared for. If you are clueless, or deliberately override her over and over in many of these areas, guess how enthusiastic she isn’t going to be in the bedroom?

3.  Honor her with your words. Honor her both in public and behind closed doors. Do not underestimate the impact of what you say every day on your wife’s sexual generosity. It should go without saying that abusive language, name-calling, and insulting comments, whether in private or (worse) in front of others, violate the vows you uttered on your wedding day. Some couples, however, become expert at stealth attacks—subtle nips and jabs and jokes at the other person’s expense. One at a time, any of these might seem mildly amusing. With ongoing repetition, they become verbal termites chewing their way through the foundation of a marriage.

4.  Serve her on a day-to-day basis. Kevin Leman’s book title Sex Begins in the Kitchen says it all, but here are some examples if you need some inspiration:

  • If she has been chasing toddlers all day and is hitting the wall at 6 pm, guess what will cause her to feel loved when you walk through the door? The wrong answer: “Wow, what a mess! Hey, what’s for dinner?” The right answer: “How may I pitch in to help?”
  • Shoo her out of the kitchen and take care of the dishes.
  • Take over the kids’ bath- and bedtime routine while she puts her feet up.
  • Put gas in her car so that she doesn’t have to hassle with the self-serve pump.
  • Give her a foot massage.

Q&A for husbands
QUESTION: Why can’t I get a little affection around here?
ANSWER: Consciously or otherwise, a wife withholds physical affection (hugs, pecks, pats) because she knows her husband can physically go from zero to 60 a lot faster than his car. At first he may be looking for only a quick hug—he may be literally heading out the door to work—but it doesn’t take much for him to take a fast detour in overdrive—“Hey! Let’s have sex right now!” At that particular moment his wife may be (1) not experiencing any sexual desire, (2) already facing a ridiculous schedule for the day, and/or (3) not feeling well loved overall. She doesn’t want the zero-to-sexty progression to begin, so she will avoid the hug in the first place. Her husband feels like a reject: “Hey, all I wanted was a little hug!” Which leaves the wife to smirk: “Oh really. You and I both know what your ‘little hugs’ lead to!” Which leaves the husband to respond in bewilderment, “And that would be the worst possible thing that could happen between us today? Thanks a lot!”

This problem actually isn’t too hard to fix. The simple fact is that a man can honestly approach his wife for a simple hug and proceed to a desire for sex within 30 seconds or less. Sorry, this part can’t be helped—it’s how men are built. If his wife could just respond to the invitation for a hug and then feel free to say “Not now, Buster” in a good-natured way when she sees him shifting into second gear, things would be much better. This is called flirting, and most married couples lose this playfulness after a few years because the wife feels guilty and the husband is stewing with frustration about this issue. Sex has become a serious source of irritation for both partners. To make matters worse, most couples don’t feel comfortable talking honestly about hugs, sex, and what happens in between.

By the way, how about checking the mirror? Can we talk for a moment about your body and grooming? Wives are not likely to be turned on when their husbands allow themselves to develop a sizeable “spare tire” or when they pay attention to clothing, grooming or bodily aromas only when it’s time to go to work. How aroused do you think your wife is going to become when the odor from your armpits could take out a small elephant? And that eternally untucked shirt is going to be “cute” only if your relationship is humming along well and your wife truly finds that look engaging.

QUESTION: What about the big O?
ANSWER: Men, are you ready for some sexual stereotypes to be shattered? Guess what? Your manhood, and your wife’s love for you, is not proven by her having an orgasm on a regular basis. Most husbands that Teri works with operate on a deeply held belief that “if my wife will have sex with me, that confirms I am a stud and she loves me. Better yet, if she has an orgasm, her ecstatic response not only confirms my manly prowess but really proves that she loves me.”

Here are a couple of reality checks: first, a woman can have a sexual encounter for reasons that have nothing to do with feelings of affection or fervent love. Someone who does this on a regular basis is known as a prostitute, and a wife may feel like one when she is having sex with a husband whose words and actions demonstrate indifference or disrespect. Second reality check: unlike men, women do not have the physical need for an orgasm. They certainly don’t mind when it happens, but it’s not the “gold standard” of a successful sexual encounter.

What the average wife gets from sex most of the time is some combination of the following: (1) knowing her husband is going to be in a good mood for a while, (2) feeling relieved from the guilt of how long she’s already put him off, and (3) knowing she can actually say “no, thank you” for a few days without guilt. On the plus side, she may experience (4) feelings of closeness, and, on really good days, (5) actual physical arousal, up to and sometimes including an orgasm. Please note that number 5 isn’t exactly the routine experience for the average woman, and often she has no way of predicting when the fuse will ignite and the fireworks go off. (Yes, yes, we know there are a lot of exceptions to this statement.)

Here’s the really big news flash that Teri repeatedly tries to impart to husbands in the counseling room: If you would change your expectations for your wife’s response during a sexual encounter, you would probably have sex with her more often than you do now. Why? Because if you could wrap their brain around the fact that short and (hopefully) sweet encounters—we would use the less clinical term “quickies”—are usually just fine with her, she’d probably say yes more often! If your wife senses that the earth must move for you to feel loved, this will present a major dilemma. If she is worn out and looking at six hours of sleep plus a full agenda the next day or if she just can’t generate much in the way of sexual response, she is likely to keep delaying sex “just one more night.” Frankly, it usually takes time for a woman’s body to rev up. Or, she may be tempted to “put on the show” (including some less-than-authentic moans and groans) just to hurry things along. But a five-minute session without the pressure to be orgasmic? Not a big deal. Let’s go! You’re happy. Your wife is happy because her husband is happy. Everyone is happy. And if sex is happening more often via these brief encounters, she won’t be feeling constant guilt about meeting her husband’s need for sex. Being “de-guilted” means that she feels free to say no to a request for sex—but it also means that she is more likely to be playful in this arena.

Are we suggesting that married women are never interested in the full-blown romantic interlude, complete with a secluded rendezvous, candles, massages, and slow, luxurious sex? Heavens no! A healthy, realistic sex life for a married couple with children and full agendas is going to be made up of a lot of quickies interspersed with some intentional big productions and a number of encounters somewhere in between those two extremes. Each couple needs to figure out a pattern that is satisfying for both husband and wife—and this will change over the course of their marriage.

Stay tuned for the next post:  “The Thing About Sex (For Wives)”

- Paul and Teri

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010; ©Focus on the Family, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

1. To the average male, the positive impact of flowers delivered to one’s spouse remains a profound mystery. Flowers are particularly powerful when sent for no particular occasion. Doing so says, in essence “I’ve been thinking about you, and you really float my boat—indeed, so much so that I felt compelled to order these flowers for you.”

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March 19, 2010

The Thing About Sex: Introduction

By Paul and Teri

The following is an excerpt from our book Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

Ask any marriage and family therapist what married couples fight about most often in the counseling room, and you’ll usually hear that the topics involve budgets and bedrooms. Most of us can figure out why money is on this short list: There’s usually less of it available than either person would like, and whether scarce or abundant it is rare that any two spending agendas precisely align.[1] But why sex, and what exactly is the source of most of the conflict? If sex is such a wonderful, exciting and fulfilling activity, how does it become the source of disappointment and pain in a marriage?

For most couples, sexual chemistry is not an issue during courtship. In fact, it usually provides a major ka-ching factor in the original attraction. Young men and women who are surging with hormones and emotions rarely feel the need to ask how to keep their libido[2] humming after vows are exchanged. That question seems utterly ridiculous when both are usually thinking of little else during that glorious season of a relationship.

Then, sometime after the wedding, it happens—or more specifically, “it” begins to happen less often, or stops happening altogether. At some point (usually after the first child is born) the wife’s libido goes AWOL, an event that bewilders her and exasperates her husband. She begins to feel guilty for failing to live up to a message poured forth every week in the popular media that “if you’re a ‘normal’ woman, you should look and feel sexier with every passing year!” The man starts feeling like a dog begging for leftovers. The wife becomes resentful that her husband “only seems interested in one thing.” He in turn becomes resentful that she now apparently considers sex—something that makes him feel not only physically satisfied but truly loved—to be at best a duty and at worst an annoying but unavoidable chore.

And here’s the most painful thing of all: Because the wife feels guilty for constantly putting off her husband’s requests for sex (whether or not delicately put), and because the man misinterprets his spouse’s lack of libido as lack of desire for him personally, neither one of them is capable of having an authentic communication about this painful issue. Aside from an occasional angry outburst from either side, there is virtually no real discussion that might provide insight and a chance for corrective measures to be taken. Along with the pain comes a paradox: Despite the fact that films; television shows; talk radio; popular music, books, and magazines (especially those beckoning at the supermarket check stand[3] ) routinely contain sexually themed material that ranges from candid to explicit, few of us are comfortable discussing our own sexuality with anyone, even our spouses!

All too often men and women both are relatively clueless about sexuality of the opposite sex in general and their own mate in particular. Men, who usually have a consistent and persistent interest in sex throughout adulthood, are particularly unlikely to understand the changes that their wives are experiencing in this department as the years pass. And so, gentlemen, we’ll start by giving you a few important news flashes about the seasons of sexuality that your mate is likely to experience over the years of your marriage.

Stay tuned for the next installment:  “The Thing About Sex (For Men)”

- Paul and Teri

©Paul and Teri Reisser, 2010; ©Focus on the Family, 2010.

Paul Reisser is a family physician who has been in private practice for more than three decades. He has served as the primary author of Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care and Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition and Fitness. Teri Reisser is a marriage and family therapist and author of A Solitary Sorrow, which deals with the emotional fallout of abortion. Together Paul and Teri have recently written Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married.

[1]. For further details, watch any session of Congress.

[2]. You probably already know this, but the word libido is a clinical term for sexual desire. If you’re in polite company and need to use a word to describe the condition of having increased sexual desire (or just want to sound highfalutin’), you can use the word libidinous.

[3] We can never figure out how these magazines are always finding new ways to “drive men wild.” What didn’t they know two months ago, when they ran the same headline? Actually, it isn’t that difficult for a woman to drive her husband wild: One come-hither look while releasing the first button on the blouse will generally do it.

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